


Revisions

by msdisdain



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Post-Resolutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 21:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4195155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msdisdain/pseuds/msdisdain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every J/C writer wrote a post-Resolutions story; this one is mine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains what is perhaps the cheesiest thing I ever wrote for J/C, and that, my friends, is saying something.
> 
> _Original Author's Note:_
> 
> _Final scene, located in part two after triple asterisks, by Jennifer Ferris_
> 
> _Author's Note/Dedication: I have struggled with this story since first seeing Resolutions (thanks, Sandy!) about two months ago. Carrying the story from idea to conception was not as easy as I thought, and I especially struggled with the end. After much back and forth with someone in email, that person wrote a sample end scene and passed it on. I liked it so much I asked if I could make it part of the story, and luckily, she agreed. So with pleasure I present Revisions, with a final scene by Jennifer Ferris, and dedicate the body of the story to her--not just for writing said scene, but for listening to me rant and stimulating my brain on countless occasions already. Thanks, Jen._

One longing look at him before the transporter took them back to the ship. Nothing since.

The turbolift, meant to whisk you from deck to deck in minutes, had never seemed so slow or so confining. He looked at her back, saw the muscle leaping at the base of her neck, saw the stiffness of her shoulders, her elbows bent, arms crossed in command stance. Several deep breaths did nothing to calm his building anger, which soared every moment she ignored him. He should have known this would happen, despite the assurances she had made him, despite her promises to try. They had been back on the ship only an hour and he already felt like the Maquis leader again; shut out and mistrusted. She was back on her ship now. There was apparently no room for _them_ on Voyager. With anyone else he would have said he was overreacting, that all she needed was a period of adjustment--but with Kathryn, he could see that the atmosphere had already affected her, that she was changing back to the Janeway of old before his eyes. He'd be damned if he'd stand by after three months alone with her and let it happen.

"You can ignore me all you want, _Kathryn,_ " he said quietly. "It still won't go away. It won't change."

She would not turn to face him. She couldn't. She knew that once she met his eyes her resolve would vanish. She knew she wasn't being fair, that he expected her to comply with the decisions they had made on the planet before beaming up. But she hadn't known then how she would feel being back on her ship, in the bowels of Voyager, amongst the crew who had risked their lives to retrieve their Captain and Commander. She hadn't known how torn she would feel. She hadn't counted on regret, or sorrow.

"Well, _Captain_ , I can't say this is a surprise--I wish I could. You can pretend all you want that you don't wish we were back there as much as I do. But I know the truth, no matter how much you decide to take out your regret on me."

She whirled on him at that, mouth open to snap a reply.

The turbolift halted at the bridge.

*

It was surely the longest duty shift of his life. He had toured the ship as quickly as possible, avoiding everyone he possibly could, and completed all the checks she requested of him--early. He had entered her ready room, handed her the padds without looking at her, and walked back out before the doors had even closed the first time. He could feel the eyes of the bridge crew on him as he paced restlessly across the command level, could feel the surprise when he reappeared so quickly. He saw the looks Kim and Paris exchanged when they thought he wasn't looking, knew they were wondering what was going on. Why the Captain and Commander weren't smiling, or talking to each other--or them, for that matter.

"I'll be in my office," Chakotay finally said. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."

"Yes, sir," replied the Vulcan from the tactical position, making no move down to command.

The doors closing behind him, shutting out the curious faces, was balm to open wounds. He sank down at his desk, head falling into his hands. He had never thought it would be so hard to keep up the charade all day. _If it's this hard now, what will it be like tomorrow? Next week?_ He propped his chin up on his arms, eyes closing, heart sinking even farther. His heart had been given away months ago, and now he was leaving it behind. On New Earth. Down amongst the monkey she had befriended, the bathtub he had lovingly built her, the home they had begun to create, the tomato beds she faithfully tended, the bed where their whispers had dwelt in the realm of "always." His throat closed painfully at the memory of two clasped hands that had started everything for them.

_His voice had shaken slightly towards the end of the story, but he met her eyes bravely as he spoke the last line. "...and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."_

_Her eyes shone with tears, her lips moving upwards in a trembling smile. An enchanted smile. He had enchanted her. He could see it on her face, and his heart soared impossibly higher. "Is that really an ancient legend?" she asked._

_The grin broke over his face, and he dropped his gaze to his lap for a moment before looking back at her, seriously. "No. But that made it easier to say."_

_He watched in amazement as she raised her hand slowly toward him, her fingers lifted, inviting his. He brought his forward, twining his fingers in hers, his thumb gently rubbing hers. He blinked the tears out of his eyes as she tightened her grip, almost painfully, and they sat there like that for a long while. Then, suddenly, they began to talk._

_About the rest of their lives._

_Together._

_He wondered for a long time if the "defining parameters" comment had been made to force a confession from him, to get him to say it first, to open the discussion she was afraid to begin. Whatever her original reason, it had been worth it. The ensuing conversation, which lasted most of the night, was empty of the words "protocol", "decorum", and "parameters". Instead they had outlined plans for the future, for exploration of the planet with the shuttle; ignoring his laughing protests she had taken his unfinished sand painting and drawn plans for a bigger garden; he had taken it back from her and added plans for a large addition to their home. Their *home*. *Their* home. They had each repeated the words several times. And in the morning, when their grumbling stomachs belied the need to sleep and cramped muscles insisted they get up and begin moving, she had leaned over and kissed him, briefly, shyly, before going outside. He had sat there for several minutes, believing that he would wake up at any moment and find himself back on Voyager, alone. A mindless exuberance had swept through him, and he had jumped up, walking outside._

_She knelt amongst the tomato plants, pulling up weeds, patting down dirt--and he was enchanted in turn. He all but ran to her, pulling her up by her waist, turning her, picking her up, spinning her around. She laughed down at him, her hands going around his neck as they spun until finally his knees gave way and they tumbled to the ground. He held her tightly to him, her head tucked in the crook of his neck, his free arm caressing her hair, her leg nestled between his._

_"Kathryn," he murmured, and his voice was full of tenderness, and gratitude. No other words were necessary._

"Chakotay?"

He jerked up, startled, to see B'Elanna standing before him. From the look on her face, she had tried to get his attention several times.

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

The half-Klingon looked at him, eyes narrowed. "We missed you."

Chakotay nodded. "We appreciate your efforts to retrieve us."

"Do you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"When have you ever asked before?" he muttered irritably.

B'Elanna pulled out the chair on the other side of his desk and sat down, leaning towards him. "You don't exactly seem thrilled to be back."

Chakotay met her gaze evenly, the emotions in his eyes carefully masked. "Of course I'm happy. It's...good to be back on Voyager."

She looked at him a long moment before he finally broke the stare and looked away. "Who are you trying to kid, Chakotay? What happened on that planet?"

_"I told you I couldn't cook, Chakotay, but you just wouldn't believe me!" She grinned at him from across the table as he politely tried to deposit his mouthful of food in a napkin. "You should have come back from the woods a little earlier."_

_He wiped his mouth with the corner of the napkin before wadding the whole thing up in a small pile in the middle of his barely touched lunch. One eyebrow quirked at her. "I think we should have taken Neelix up on his offer of leola root seed."_

_Her outraged bark of laughter hit him just before her napkin did. "That's the most insulting thing I've ever heard you say, Commander," she said, pushing back from the table in mock annoyance and striding towards the door. His arm shot out, grabbing her wrist and pulling her backwards so she fell awkwardly across his lap. "No, Chakotay, don't try to make it up to me now," she snapped, trying to hide her smile._

_"We can't possibly eat this concoction you call lunch, Kathryn," he said, his lips curving upwards as one hand raised to trace the contours of her face._

_"I'm the Replicator Queen, Chakotay. You're the only one who's good at cooking, I'm afraid."_

_"That's not the only thing I'm good at," he murmured suggestively, his face moving closer to hers._

_"We can't have that for lunch," she chided gently, her body already shifting towards his._

_"Who said anything about lunch?"_

"...tell me?"

"What?"

B'Elanna pursed her lips together, staring at him across the desk. "Are you going to tell me what's the matter between you and Captain Janeway?"

Chakotay ran a hand backwards through his hair, reaching for the half-full water glass next to him and taking a sip. "Nothing's the matter, B'Elanna. We just have a lot of work to do." He put the water down and reached for the top padd in the pile next to him. "If you'll excuse me?"

The engineer stood up slowly, her eyes still on him as she backed towards the door. "Breakfast tomorrow?"

"Sure."

B'Elanna turned and exited the office, and he let the padd fall to the desk. He closed his eyes again briefly as auburn hair seemed to fall around him, the memories still too close and raw to be able to set the pain aside completely. New Earth had been home for three months; Voyager had been home for over two years. Each had one common element.

Kathryn.

'Home is where you are', say the Maquis, he thought. Home for him had become where she was. And if they had never touched, never made love, never admitted their feelings for one another back in that drab gray shelter, he would have still been content to stay by her side for the rest of their lives. The hope that one day they would be together would have sustained him for the journey. But now, knowing that she loved him, knowing the scent of her hair as it fell across his shoulder in the morning, knowing the taste of her lips beneath his, knowing the way their bodies fit together as if they had been cut from one mold, he could not return to the platonic relationship of before. He didn't know how he would bear it. He didn't know how to hide it anymore, except behind the mask of brusque anger he had been wearing since their return to the ship.

Promises had been made.

_"You scamp!" she laughed at him, pushing her dripping hair out of her eyes, hands on the hips of her soaked dress, her 'command stance' made even funnier by her bedraggled state. He grinned down at her from the boat, the sun shining off his hair, his eyes twinkling in the afternoon light._

_"You look good like that, Kath," he said. Her eyes narrowed a little, and her hand extended up to him._

_"Wouldn't it be more fun if we were both wet, Chakotay?"_

_His stomach lurched up and back rapidly at her words, his groin tightening instinctively, his pulse already rising. "Perhaps," he rasped, his throat suddenly dry. He placed his hand in hers and allowed her to pull him down into the water. They stood together in the waist high river, hands, lips, and bodies coming together naturally with the ease of longtime lovers though they had not yet taken that final step. Several moments later, her legs began to weaken, and his arms tightened around her back as he plundered her open mouth._

_"We're going to drown if we don't move to the shore," she murmured into his mouth. He pulled back from her at that, his hands moving up to cup her face, pushing errant strands of her hair away, running a finger down her cheek softly._

_"I'd never let anything happen to you, Kathryn," he said quietly, and marveled at how she could bring him from arousal to near-tears in seconds._

_"I know," she whispered, the strength of their feelings solid between them. Her fingers trailed up to his face, tracing his eyes, his nose, brushing the inked lines on his forehead gently. She smiled, and he caught his breath at the joy in it. "My warrior," she said, her hand linking with his._

_"I promise to always bring you the peace you have given me," he replied, raising their clasped hands and kissing her fingers._

_"My peace comes from you. It always has."_

_He caught her up in his arms, burying his face and emotions in her neck as he carried her to the shore. "I love you," he said, setting her down on her feet, and then lifted her chin towards him, concerned, as tears welled up in her eyes. "What is it?" And then he realized. "Surely you never doubted that I love you? Even if I've yet to say it?"_

_She shook her head. "No. I knew. I just--you never--"_

_He pulled her back into his embrace, his chin resting on her hair. "I love you, Kathryn Janeway. Get used to hearing it."_

_"I'll never get used to hearing it. And I love you, Chakotay--I love you."_

He could bury himself in work. The pain would still be there when he surfaced, but he could delay it, cloak it for extended periods of time. Avoid his quarters, where he would have to envision her in his bed. Avoid the bridge at all costs, though thankfully she had taken to spending most of her shifts in the ready room. Avoid the mess hall at peak times. Avoid her whenever possible by using the ship's computer to track her presence. His office was safe; she never came there. He took to haunting far corners of the ship like a ghost; he spent so much time in Engineering B'Elanna threatened to enlist him to clean the plasma converters. He spent long hours in Stellar Cartography blindly reviewing star charts because he knew no one would question him or bother him. And he always, always carried a padd with him, so he could become engrossed in it if possible. He'd read the same reports so many times he could recite them by heart if required.

He knew the bridge crew was staring at him again; he could feel their eyes on the back of his head as he reviewed Paris' helm report for the third time in a row. He had seen the looks Kim and Donaldson were exchanging when they thought he wasn't paying attention; he knew that everyone was wondering what had happened. He had taken to counting the minutes until the end of his bridge shift, and knew that any moment the beta crew would start to arrive on the turbolift.

_Finally_ , he thought as the doors swished open to reveal Paris and Ensign Richards, the first arrivals. He waited for Paris to descend to command level, watched Richards replace Harry at ops. Quickly he reviewed the readings of alpha shift with the Lieutenant, and then handed over command of the bridge. As he began his way up to the lift doors, he saw the ready room doors slide open. _Damn,_ he cursed silently as he stepped aside to allow the rest of beta to enter the bridge. He waited for Janeway to enter the lift, hesitating a moment to see if Tuvok was joining them and cursing again when he saw the Vulcan begin to brief the new tactical officer. He stepped inside, turning to face the doors as they slid shut.

"Commander," Janeway greeted him evenly.

"Captain." He bit out.

Several moments of silence passed as Chakotay struggled to remain quiet, until he could stand it no longer and snapped, "Computer, halt lift."

"Computer, resume."

"Computer, _halt lift._ "

They turned and glared at each other, Chakotay doing a very good duplicate of the face Janeway usually reserved for the Kazon or the Borg. "What do you think you're doing, Commander?"

"What do you think _you're_ doing, Kathryn? Are you so different from the woman who slept in my arms the last two months? How can you just turn off those feelings?"

"I am the Captain of this ship, Chakotay, and the crew's needs come first." But her voice wavered on the last words, and he lunged in further.

"Not to me, Kathryn," he said quietly. "'From that moment on, her needs would come first.'" he quoted, taking a step closer to her. "The crew needs a content and happy Captain, Kathryn. We are better together than apart."

She looked away from him, took a step back towards the wall. "We are together, Chakotay. Every day."

He snorted. "Every day. When you hide in your ready room, and I spend more time in Stellar Cartography than the ensigns assigned there." He stepped closer still, not stopping until she backed into the wall. "We need each other, Kathryn. We need what we had on that planet, we need it here." One hand lifted, large fingers stroked the side of her face. He saw her shiver in response to his touch. "Kathryn. I love you. Please."

Janeway met his eyes for a moment, and then looked down. "I--I can't."

Chakotay straightened up, dropping his hand abruptly and turning away from her, eyes closing briefly, recognizing that the dull ache in his heart had increased. "Resume," he said quietly, and got off at the officers' quarters without a look back to see Janeway still against the wall of the lift, regret shadowing her eyes like fog.


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks passed. The crew slowly became used to the stiffer relationship between their Captain and her First Officer and stopped tiptoeing around them. They would share bridge duty together now as before, but there was none of the casual banter of the past between them, no conversation that bordered on flirting, and no laughter. It was all business on the bridge of Voyager now. Chakotay thought sometimes he would go insane from the effort of restraining himself, but was determined that if he could not have the part of her that he wanted, then all they would have was a command relationship. He would still stand beside her in crisis, still lend his support--but when he looked at her, there would be no shared smile of recognition, no jokes about Tom's spelling in his reports, no invitations to dinner meetings. He still did his best to avoid her off duty, but after the weeks had begun to go by, he had gradually gotten to the point where seeing her in the mess hall no longer increased the ache that had taken up permanent residence in his heart. He had taken to eating all his meals with B'Elanna, and though he was pleased to see their friendship restrengthening and knew the Engineer was as happy about it as he was, it was no real substitute for Janeway. It never would be.

Sometimes he wondered how much longer he could bear it.

But no matter what she had done, he had made promises too. And he would keep his.

"Are you coming tonight?" B'Elanna set her tray down across from him and sat down, trying not to watch him push his food around on his plate for the sixth or seventh time that week.

"Coming where?"

"Ensign Donaldson's birthday; didn't you read the general invitation?"

Chakotay groaned inwardly. He had seen the invitation, but had hoped to be an unnoticed absentee. "I read it."

"I think you should come. You haven't attended anything for a long time."

"I'll think about it."

"Well, I--"

"Don't push, B'Ela, okay?" He stared at her until she nodded and picked up her fork again. "Is the Captain coming?" he asked, trying to keep his tone casual, cursing himself for caring.

"I don't know, Chakotay; probably. She usually comes to everything." The half-Klingon took a deep breath, reached out and touched his hand. "Would she keep you from coming?"

He looked at her for a long moment, emotions warring in his eyes. "No. I'll still be there." B'Elanna opened her mouth to say something else, but he waved her quiet. "I know what you're going to say, and I appreciate it, but I can't talk about it. I'm sorry."

She nodded once as he stood up, tray in hand. "You have my support, Chakotay--and a lot of the others," she said, knowing he would understand. He leaned down, nudged her chin with a thumb, a faint smile ghosting around his mouth.

"You're a good friend," he said quietly. "The best," he added, walking away to the recycler and then out the door. B'Elanna sat in the mess hall for a long time after, smiling from his words, and worrying over his discontent.

*

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"May I speak with you, Captain?"

"Certainly, Tuvok. I'm in my quarters."

**BWEE-DOOP**

_He certainly doesn't waste time_ , Janeway thought wryly. "Come in," she called, her lips lifting in a slight smile as the tall Vulcan entered. "Can I offer you some tea?"

He nodded slightly, seating himself on the couch at her gesture and taking the small cup when she held it out to him. Settling herself next to him and picking up her abandoned cup, she said,

"What's on your mind?"

Tuvok turned his head towards her, raising the cup to his lips once and then setting it down on the table. "I am sorry, Captain, that I disobeyed your orders in contacting the Vidiians."

Janeway took a long sip of her tea. "Tuvok, you can hardly think I am angry with you. Despite the fact I had given you an order, you were the Captain when you made the decision."

He looked away and then back, his eyes serious as always. "Perhaps I should...be more specific. I am sorry for any distress your return to Voyager has caused you."

Breathing was difficult for a moment, before she got the emotions that surged through her on that remark under control. "Tuvok, I--"

"Captain, I have known you for a very long time. I know how important regulations and protocols are to you. I know that your ship and your crew are the most important things in your life."

"You're right," she said softly.

"However, circumstances were very different for you when we left you behind. Surely there was no need for command structure once you were alone with the Commander."

'You know, Chakotay, we're not exactly in a command structure right now. Maybe you should call me Kathryn.'

"There was not," she agreed.

"You have been brought back into that command structure very suddenly. The transition could not have been an easy one."

"No," she admitted, unsure of where the conversation was headed.

"Perhaps the transition did not need to be made," Tuvok said, looking away again.

_What is he saying?_ she thought needlessly. She knew exactly what he was saying, though it was almost impossible to believe. "Are you saying..."

"Captain." His voice cut into her sentence. "Your well-being directly affects that of the crew. You are the most fair-minded, protocol-conscious individual I have ever known. Any...decisions you and the Commander made while on that planet could hardly be detrimental to this ship, because you would never allow them to interfere." His eyes bore into hers. Slowly, she nodded. "If you will excuse me, Captain, I have bridge duty, and if I am not mistaken, you have a party to prepare for." He stood up and walked towards the door.

"Tuvok." He turned back. "Thank you."

When he had gone, she sat on the couch for a long while, contemplating his words, remembering those of another, and silently rearranging her resolve in her head.

*

The party was in full swing when Chakotay arrived over an hour after it began. He paused in the doorway of the holodeck, tugging absently on the collar of the dark brown shirt he had dug out of his closet for the occasion. The Sandrine's program was in full swing; it had long been the preferred setting for crew birthday parties. He scanned the crowd quickly, plotting the fastest course to the bar in his head before starting towards it.

"Good evening, Commander," Kes greeted him with a gentle smile as she and Neelix intercepted his path across the room.

"Hello Kes, Neelix. Quite a party." He smiled back, eyes scanning the crowd once more.

"Try my new goulash, Commander; it seems to be quite popular among the guests," urged the Talaxian cheerfully. "Come on, sweeting, let's get something to eat ourselves."

"I'm coming. Enjoy yourself, Commander," said Kes, following Neelix towards the buffet. "Oh--" she stopped, turning over her shoulder. "The Captain's over there," she said quietly, indicating a corner booth. He stared at her, unblinking, before nodding once and continuing his way to the bar.

"Just some water, please," he said to the bartender. Picking up the glass, he settled himself on a high stool, content to watch for now. Elizabeth Donaldson, the guest of honor, was surrounded by her Stellar Cartography co-workers at the pool table where apparently she was beating Tom Paris at his own game. B'Elanna and Harry were standing at the pilot's shoulder, laughing and heckling his every move, their smiles widening as he scowled at them. The engineer looked up, saw Chakotay watching them, and raised her glass in silent salute. He lifted his own towards her with a nod and moved to stand, but Janeway appeared over Harry's shoulder from nowhere and he sat back down.

She wore a sleeveless dress, simple in its crafting, fashioned of a thin pale blue material that skimmed lightly over her hips before falling to just below her knees. A long, wide scarf of the same material was wound around her neck and shoulders in an intricate design that intrigued him momentarily, until he realized the reason for it, and his face paled.

_"Ouch. Careful, Chakotay!"_

_"You're the one who keeps flinching, Kathryn; unless you want this to look like a picture of Neelix, you'd better hold still." He raised the tool again, placing one hand on her right shoulder for balance as he carefully inked the design into the skin of her left. "I still can't believe I'm doing this."_

_Her hand reached up at that, covered his, stilled his motions. "Why?" she asked quietly._

_"Well, it's not part of your traditions, Kath--"_

_She turned towards him, her eyes gentle and serious, a half-smile on her mouth. "It's part of your tradition, Chakotay, and part of you." She raised her hand, traced the design on his forehead, her touch whisper-soft. "I want something of you with me always."_

_His throat tightened, and his eyes stung. Surely she was too glorious to be his, and yet she knelt before him, love shining in her eyes that defied description. "You already have a part of me," he said, his voice breaking slightly as he raised his hand to his heart. "Once given, I'll never take it away."_

_Her eyes brightened in turn, the tears beginning to spill down her cheeks quietly. "I know." She leaned forward and kissed him gently. "My dearest love," she murmured into his mouth, and then turned back around. He blinked rapidly, fierce joy welling up in him, an eternal spring, and returned to the task at hand._

She was watching him. He could feel it. He would not look at her. He would not.

He had no resolve, apparently, he thought to himself mockingly as he turned and caught her gaze. She was looking right at him, and the look in her eyes was familiar. He was imagining things, he decided.

Just like he was imagining her walking towards him.

"Hello, Chakotay," she said quietly, slipping onto the stool next to him.

"Captain," he acknowledged, his stomach lurching as he watched her order a glass of wine.

"Having a good time?" she asked.

He stared at her unbelievingly, and then moved to leave. "Excuse me, Captain."

She reached out, laid a hand on his arm. "Please."

He looked at her with a mixture of curiosity, trepidation, and annoyance mingling on his face, and sat back down.

They sat in silence for a long moment as Janeway sipped her wine, and then said, "What are we going to do about this?"

_"What are we going to do about this?"_

_Her hands faltered on the boxes a moment, and then she continued packing, her back turned to him. "I don't know, Chakotay. I never factored this in to the equation."_

_"Damn it, Kathryn, this is not a science project!" His raised voice startled them both. They had been discussing Voyager's imminent return in a roundabout way since Tuvok had contacted them three hours before. She had been avoiding the subject of their still-new relationship, focusing instead on the status of the ship and the things they would need to do to catch up after their return. He had quietly gone along with the conversation but was rapidly approaching the end of his patience with it._

_She turned to face him, finally, and in the light streaming through the open door he saw how pale she was._

_"Kathryn..."_

_She walked forward into his arms quickly, her hands clenching in the back of his shirt, her face pressed to his neck. Her breathing was shallow, and he heard a catch in her voice as she tried to speak. "I--I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeated the words over and over as he held her, one large hand smoothing her hair as he whispered consoling words in her ear. When her trembling stilled, he led her over to the bench and guided them both down to it._

_"We can do this--we can have both lives on that ship, Kathryn."_

_"I know."_

_"We just need to work together, to plan together. We'll be careful. It will work."_

_"I know."_

_"I can't lose you now," he said, pulling her closer to him._

_"I love you," she murmured, her lips touching his neck. "You won't lose me. You won't," she said fiercely, shifting her weight into his lap. "You won't."_

He could see that she was caught up in the same memory as he met her eyes and then tore his gaze away again. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing now, Kathryn, but I can't do this. I'm sorry."

"It's not a game now, Chakotay, and it never was." She took a deep breath that seemed to rattle in her chest, and then lifted a hand to her neck. One twist of her wrist brought the scarf pooling into her lap in a cloud of blue, the smaller mark of his people now plainly visible on her left shoulder. "If you'd come with me, Commander, I think we may need to...define some new parameters. Special parameters."

"We've been here before, Kathryn," he said, forcing down the emotions that were rising in his heart. "I can't travel this road anymore."

"Not the same road, no," she said lightly, though the look in her eyes belied her tone. "I've been stupid, Chakotay; stupid and afraid and resistant. If you'll consider forgiving me, I'll even let you tell me just how stupid I've been."

***

Against his will, a smile quirked his lips at that. "Kathryn Janeway, admitting she may have been wrong? Surely this is one for the logs." His eyes searched hers, seeking the truth he needed, and finding it. He stood up, and after a moment's hesitation, held out his hand. She took it, and her answering smile was brilliant.

For a moment they stood there, in Tom Paris's seedy cabaret, watching each other. Measuring. Without words, Chakotay's eyes challenged her. Kathryn lifted her chin, proudly, in response. He turned and beckoned Sandrine over. The barkeep, trailing perfume, leaned in as Chakotay whispered in her ear.

The music started up a moment later. Sandrine wandered through the crowd, squeezing shoulders, kissing Paris briefly and stroking B'Elanna's cheek in passing. "Mes amis. . . this night is a celebration of birth and life. This music is for lovers. Dance. Dance!" The unseen musicians segued into a sentimental song from twenty years before, "My Only Love". It had been popular with young lovers while they were both at the academy. Chakotay had requested it, knowing Janeway could not mistake its meaning.

Nor could she ignore the public declaration. Chakotay turned to her, holding out one hand, waiting to see what she would do. "Feeling brave, Captain?"

She held his gaze, taking her time, letting Chakotay see that this was a conscious decision. Her eyes were very bright. "Immeasurably, Commander."

Chakotay pulled her close, his hand tightening on her waist. "Dance with me."

"Always."

They moved into the open area to dance as the music wove softly around them. Chakotay nestled his cheek in Kathryn's hair. She brought her other hand up to his neck. They danced, knowing that eyes were on them, moving as one. Moving together.

The blue scarf lay on the bar, forgotten.


End file.
